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MN Garlic Festival Stinky News Volume 4, July 2008 |
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The conventional wisdom among some doctors and mothers has been that babies should not ingest garlic, and even that nursing mothers should not eat it because it causes gastric discomfort for the infant (See Disclaimer #2) and uneasiness for whomever has to change the diapers. But you may want to consider the tradeoff: a study entitled “Garlic, the Musical Vegetable” shows a clear connection between garlic-fed babies and artistic genius. Take Bobb Fantauzzo, for instance. This amazing player of the native American flute, who seems incapable of recognizing that instrument's musical limitations, was actually christened “Roberrrtoh Luigi Giseppe Fantooootzhoh.” His Italian mama served him garlic/oregano shakes until his fourteenth year. He has never had a pimple and he never plays a wrong note. Still...(See disclaimer #3). Then there’s magician Star Michaelina – for whom the word “magician” is a misnomer. So much more than a jaw-dropping trickster, she creates magic wherever she goes. Why? She was weaned on starlight-garlic juleps (See Disclaimer #4). The Mu Community Taiko Drummers simply refuse to perform unless they’ve devoured several cloves beforehand. Actually, their early history is somewhat sketchy, but they all swear that they simultaneously gorge on garlic in parallel universes (Disclaimer #5) while they are performing their amazing Japanese drumming right before our eyes. It’s better not to argue with them - they carry big sticks and they know how to use them. Mariénne Kreitlow (Disclaimer #6) – famed writer of garlic songs ad nauseam – will be joined by singers Kellie Strub and Mary Jane Miller, aptly named “The Shovel Girls.” Despite bland Scandinavian and Germanic backgrounds (Disclaimer #7), their mothers secretly stirred dried garlic powder into their Malt-O-Meal. Ask The Shovel Girls for their rendition of “Hail, Minnesota,” and you’ll be sorry. Speaking of sorry, we do apologize for last year’s performance by The Actors Playhouse of St. Cloud. We were unaware that actor Larry Outhwaite would actually appear in a dress without shaving his legs – which his agent has called a “wardrobe malfunction” – but the company’s return this year with “The Complete Works of Shakespeare, Part II” promises to be more dignified. All of the actors have sipped on garlic cappuccinos since childhood – complete details can be found on page 575 of the report (See Disclaimer #1 again) – but have recently switched to chamomile tea. We’ll see . . . As babies, the Middle Eastern dancers from Jawaahir were given garlic cloves for pacifiers (Disclaimer #8). The aforementioned study concludes that their development was “greatly accelerated, due to their activated imaging capabilities allowing greater visualization of the gliding filaments, conscious control of the bulbospongiosus muscles, and in general, an otherwise unexplained sense of grace and glee”. Nick, Robin, Mike and Jacque of “Light of the Moon” band were excluded from the study because access to their records was restricted, presumably because they all work for the CIA or USDA. We did learn, however, that they each brew up a garlic mouthwash to keep their voices in tiptop shape, improve the timbre of their instruments, and keep their overly-enamoured public at bay. Check out these wandering minstrels as they perform “extra-strength acoustic music” at the festival. How close can you get? I wish I could send the entire report along with these tantalizing bits, but there are some copyright infringement issues at play here (Disclaimer 9). Hint: Google “garlic, infancy, inflated egos". (Disclaimer #10) Feel free to forward this message. I have a very strong intuitive feeling that doing so will bring you good luck. (Disclaimer #11) Yours truly, Puck P. S. Who is Mr. Green? And why will he appear onstage with so many kids? And what does this have to do with garlic? What to Bring: Sunscreen, the kids, money to stock up on several months' supply of great local garlic and other MN items, a big appetite. ALL WEATHER EVENT! Arts programming is made possible by a grant from the Central MN Arts Board, through funding provided by the MN State Legislature. 1) We, the Board of Directors of Crow River Sustainable Farming Association of MN, sponsors of MN Garlic Festival, have seen no evidence that this alleged “study” has any scientific basis, or, for that matter, even exists. Therefore, we urge to reader to view this as a work of fiction, with these the only verifiable facts: 1) The performers mentioned in this article are indeed real, and are scheduled to perform at the festival, and 2) the author is making full use of her artistic license. 2) Check out the USA Weekend article that claims “When nursing mothers eat garlic, infants stay longer at the breast and drink more, not less, milk”: http://www.usaweekend.com/food/carper_archive/950402eat_smart_garlic.htm 3) This has not been verified either. The pimple bit, anyway. 4) We have no record that Michaelina was ever actually weaned. 5) Also not verifiable. None of us have actually seen them eating garlic in the Alternate Universes. 6) Ms. Kreitlow is the true author of this article and is trying to hide her identity by referring to herself in the third person. 7) There has been no scientific research done to show that Germans and Scandinavians are bland; probably because doing research on such a topic could be really boring. 8) That’s just silly. 9) And the fact that the study doesn’t exist. 10) Bogus. 11) Yeah, right. 12) Full disclosure: Puck is the Entertainment Director's cat.
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